6211 Shades of Turquois
by SorenGladfeldt
Summary: A piece of garbage I wrote with my little sister last year. You have been warned.
1. Chapter 1

One day, Ewdard and Jackobub were in the in the IKEA store, looking at curtains and telephones and beds and such. They enjoyed doing it because they loved making their place of residence look stylish. They brought with them 40000 Pesos to ay for their things with.

Then they came to a bed that looked wonderfully soft and comfortable.

"Jackobub," said Ewdard, "would you like to engage in sexual intercourse in this bed with me?"

"I would love to, Ewdard," said Jackobub.

They removed their clothing, and got into the bed. Once in, Ewdard inserted his male genitalia into Jackobub's rump and moved back-and-fourth, pleasing him.

"Ewdard, Ewdard," said Jackobub, eyes closed in enjoyment, "you give to me such pleasure."

Then a girl with no emotions named Beulah Swain came along and said, "Do you two mind if I join you in your sexual intercourse?"

"Be our guest," Ewdard and Jackobub said in unison.

So Beulah Swain joined Ewdard and Jackobub in engaging in sexual intercourse. The particular type which they were engaging in was called a "threesome" with a little "tower of power" for added fun.

"WHAT ARE YOU IDIOTS DOING!?" yelled Charlisle suddenly.

Ewdard was the first to speak. "Charlisle!" he said, "What art thou doing here at the IKEA store?"

"I worketh here!" said Charlisle, "and thou must getest out or thou art going to cost me my occupassion!"

"Okay," said Ewdard, Jackobub, and Beulah Swain in unison. They got out of bed and walked out of the store and went home.


	2. Chapter 2

As they walked home, Ewdard, Jackobub, and Beulah Swain were laughed at by everyone they passed, and could not figure out why. Though Beulah Swain speculated that it may have had to do with the fact that they had not put their clothing back on when Charlisle threw them out of the IKEA store, and were walking home naked.

"That is absurd," said Ewdard and Jackobub in unison.

"You are probably right," said Beulah Swain, and they kept walking.

After walking for about 25 minutes, they finally arrived home at their place of residence. It was a large old castle with a satellite dish painted in Pittsburgh Steelers colors and logo. It also had a garage for parking cars inside of, which could fit many cars.

They entered through the massive front door, and walked into the living room, where they found Esme watching _Ponyo_ on Netflix.

"Hello, children," said Esme, not daring look away from her beloved Japanese film.

"Hello, mother," Ewdard, Jackobub, and Beulah Swain said in unison, even though most of them weren't really related to Esme.

"Charlisle kicked us out of the IKEA store for engaging in sexual intercourse in a bed," said Jackobub.

"That is Charlisle for you," said Esme, still no looking away from the screen, "so very touchy about every little thing. Is that why you are naked?"

"Yes," said Ewdard, Jackobub, and Beulah Swain in unison.

"I see," said Esme, pausing. "If you are hungry, there are hot pockets in the freezer."

"Thank you, mother," Ewdard, Jackobub, and Beulah Swain in unison, as they left the living room, since they did not feel like watching _Ponyo_ at the moment.

In the kitchen, Jackobub went to the freezer and pulled out a hot pocket, consuming it on the spot in three bites.

"Why did you do that, Jackobub?" asked Ewdard.

"I felt very hungry," said Jackobub.

"I think that I will eat a hot pocket, as well," said Beulah Swain. And she pulled a hot pocket out of the freezer and took a bite, but found it difficult to eat.

"Why is it so cold and hard?" she asked, looking at the hot pocket quizzically.

"I think that it might be frozen," said Ewdard.

"I suppose that you are correct," she said. "Do you know a way that we could perhaps make it cease to be frozen, Ewdard?"

"I think that the oven could work," said Ewdard.

"Good idea," said Beulah Swain. "Let's do that."

They placed the hot pocket into the oven and waited.


	3. Chapter 3

Eventually, they got tired of waiting for the hot pocket to be ready, so they decided to engage in some more sexual intercourse.

Beulah Swain put her hair up, donned a flannel shirt, jeans and hiking boots, and also put on a strap-on. Ewdard put on a wig and ball gown and high heels, while Jackobub put on a wig and French maid uniform. They had decided to take part in some role-playing.

The fantasy would go that Beulah Swain was the husband and owner of the house, and was having an affair with the French maid (Jackobub), only to be discovered by "his" wife (Ewdard), at which point it would become a threesome.

Beulah Swain began the reverse-copulation procedure, bringing the artificial member in closer and closer, until contact was established.

"Ooh la-la," said Jackobub, pretending he was a little French made being mounted by a large, powerful mansion-owning man.

Then Ewdard, the "wife" walked in.

"Why art thou engaging in sexual intercourse with thy maid, my beloved husband?" he exclaimed, pretending to be a she.

"Please, join us and make the circle complete," said Beulah Swain, as the burly mansion-owner.

"As you commandeth of me," said Ewdard.

And they all began engaging in another threesome. They mounted each other, went wild, and pretended to pretend they were each other, and various other kinks.

"Beulah Swain," said Ewdard and Jackobub in unison, "do you think that the hot pocket is ready?"

"I completely forgot," said Beulah Swain. "Let's go check."

They went to the oven and found the hot pocket only slightly warmer and softer.

"How do we invoke the oven's fiery powers?" asked Jackobub, frustrated.

"If only we knew—" said Beulah Swain, when suddenly she was cut off.


	4. Chapter 4

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF…?!" exclaimed Charlisle upon walking into the room, seeing Ewdard, Jackobub, and Beulah Swain dressed in clothing inconsistent with their respective genders—Beulah Swain's pants unzipped and strap-on sticking out—all standing around the oven, trying to figure out how to make the oven make the hot pocket no longer frozen.

"Charlisle!" said Jackobub, "You are home!"

"Yes," said Charlisle, "I am home from work at the IKEA store. Why are you dressed like that? What is going on here?"

"We were waiting for the oven to make this hot pocket cease to be frozen," explained Beulah Swain, "and we got bored and decided to engage in some sexual role play to pass the time."

"So you did it in the kitchen?" asked Charlisle.

"Yes," Ewdard, Jackobub, and Beulah Swain said in unison.

"You know what," said Charlisle, throwing his arms up in frustration, "go to your rooms, all of you. You are all grounded until further notice."

"But what about school?" asked Ewdard, Jackobub, and Beulah Swain in unison.

"I said until further notice," insisted Charlisle.

So they went up to their rooms.


	5. Chapter 5

Beulah Swain was sitting in her room feeling rather bored. Charlisle had sent her, Ewdard, and Jackobub to their rooms for engaging in unusual sexual practices in the kitchen. She had put back on her girl clothes.

As she sat on her bed, she thought about what she could possibly do. Just then, somebody knocked against the heating duct.

"Whoever could be knocking against my heating duct?" asked Beulah Swain.

"It is I, Ewdard," said Ewdard. "Me and Jackobub figured out a method for to fit into the ventilation ducts—we coated ourselves in Vaseline and pushed very hard."

"Where is Jackobub, Ewdard?" asked Beulah Swain.

"He is behind me," said Ewdard. "Beulah Swain, we would much appreciate if you could remove the bolts which bind this vent to the wall so that we can both get out of ducts, as it is rather difficult to breathe in here."

"Of course," said Beulah Swain. She then remembered that she did not know how to remove the vent from the wall. She scoured her mind for a way to remove the bolts which bound the vent to the wall, but no results came to mind.

"Oh dear," said Beulah Swain, "I am afraid that I cannot think of any way to remove the vent."

"Beulah Swain, please," cried Jackobub's muffled voice from deep within the duct, "Ewdard had beans yesterday and I am being forced to inhale the consequences!"

Beulah Swain began to cry for poor Jackobub, being forced to breathe in Ewdard's rump exhaust. Then she remembered the 10-pound sledge hammer which she had in her closet.

"Ewdard!" said Beulah Swain, you and Jackobub need to get away from the vent as I am going to remove the vent with my hammer."

"We will do as you command of us!" said Ewdard and Jackobub in unison. They then backed away from the vent, and Beulah Swain swung forth her sledge hammer at the vent, smashing it inward, destroying it, and much of the surrounding wall, thus creating a hole large enough for Ewdard and Jackobub to emerge from.

"Thank you, Beulah Swain," said Ewdard and Jackobub in unison.

"You are welcome, Ewdard and Jackobub," said Beulah Swain.

Then the door burst open, with Esme and Charlisle standing there.

"WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE!?" Charlisle cried frantically.

"Ewdard and Jackobub were in the ducts," explained Beulah Swain, "and had no way out, so I used my 10-pound sledge hammer to create a hole so that they could emerge."

"Why do you have a sledge hammer in your bedroom, Beulah Swain?" Charlisle asked, upset.

"I cannot quite remember, actually," said Beulah Swain. "I just know that I had it, so I put it to good use."

Charlisle did nothing, only stood there, with a vane popping in his temple, staring at the large hole in the wall which Beulah Swain had created.

"Charlisle," said Esme, perfectly calm, "do not be angry at them. It was an innocent mistake. They are only children."

"But I cannot even send them to their rooms without them getting into trouble!" Charlisle yelled.

"You are so mean to me! I feel as though you do not love me! I am going to run away and never return!" cried Beulah Swain, who then jumped out a window, and ran away.


	6. Chapter 6

"Beulah Swain!" cried Ewdard and Jackobub in unison as they watched her run across the back yard and jump the fence and disappear from sight. They then turned to Charlisle and spoke in unison once more:

"Dost thou not see what thou hast done?" the two demanded of Charlisle.

"What? So I cannot even scoldeth mine younge girl or she shall runneth off?" replied Charlisle.

"Thou hath hurteth Beulah Swain's feelings and droveth her off!" shouted Ewdard and Jackobub in unison.

"Ewdard," exclaimed Jackobub, "we must go find Beulah Swain before it is too late and she becomes bodily compromised or ceases to be alive!"

"You are right, Jackobub!" said Ewdard. And with that, they both leapt out of the window, ran toward the fence, and jumped over it, exclaiming "DO NOT WORRY, BEULAH SWAIN, WE ARE COMING TO SAVE YOU!" in unison as they went.

"Why did you have to raise your voice at the poor girl?" asked Esme to Charlisle.

"Don't you see the enormous hole she put in the wall!?" he exclaimed. "Do you have any idea how much this will cost to fix?! And _why_ did she have a 10-pound sledge hammer in her room to begin with!?"


	7. Chapter 7

AUTHOR'S NOTE: THIS IS SOREN GLADFELDT SPEAKING. MY DEAR SISTER EMMA HAS BEEN GROUNDED DUE TO AN INCIDENT WHICH I DO NOT WISH TO DISCUSS PUBLICALLY, SO I HAVE BEEN FORCED TO WRITE THIS CHAPTER ALONE.

Beulah Swain moved through the forest wildly as she went, hearing the sounds of wild animals howling loudly across the world, creating fear in that heart of hers, which thus began to beat with the speed of a thousand drums upon ice and water and snow with cherries atop mushrooms since another one could not be found veracity was like another homely lion against a mother's large, warm breast for which she virtually virtuously comforts the frightened child that is Beulah Swain.

But as she did this, and that as well, Emperor Penguin Nero-the-Zero came upon her and said "Young lady, art thou loste?"

"Yea," replied Beulah Swain nervously, for she had been told stories when she was little for to help lull her into a gentle sleep on the cold winter nights of and about how Nero-the-Zero was known for none of his actions against the Church, which in the end triumphantly slaughtered he and the Master as well.

But just then, Nero-the-Zero was rescued from Beulah Swain's wretched wrath by the Cynical Knight.

"Be not afraid, young maiden!" said the Cynical Knight as he swept Beulah Swain away and they jumped upon his great celestial camel which had been smelted from cows of the netherworld and granted unto him by the gods so that he would stand a greater chance against the evil doers such as the Master and Nero-the-Zero.

And so then and without another word they rode off toward the stars without another thought and then that was the end of the end of the end while the great and mighty airplaines and dirigibles demolished deconstructive detective novels in November. But Beulah Swain was rather apprehensive about all this, as she had been told the stories of how these things did unfold when she was just a small child. But there was no choice for her to make at the moment, as she and the cynical knight were on their way into outer space where the great light of the glorious sun would put them to the ultimate test.


	8. Chapter 8

Author's note: Hi, I'm Emma Gladfeldt, and I'm finally out of being grounded by my stupid parents! I mean seriously, who grounds their kid for 12 days because I dropped a rock on my neighbor's car? I was pissed at their bitch daughter for spilling applesauce on me when I was trying to look good for the cute new chemistry teacher, so I wrecked her familys car so they can't take that stupid trip to Las Vegas til they get their car fixed lol

So like, Ewdard and Jackobub were in hot pursuit of Beulah Swain after she ran away and all that stuff. They were hopping over fences, looking for her, but with not really any luck actually finding her, you know?

"Ewdard," said Jackobub, "where could she go?"

"Idk" said Ewdard. "Maybe she wnet and moved to Mexico."

"You don't think she got kidnapped by terrorists like in Irack do you?"

"I hope that didn't happen, Jackobub. That would be really bad."

"I know rigte."

And they kept looking for Beulah Swain, trying to find wher eshoudl could be at, looking all aroudnt the nieborhood—then it started rainging!111

"OMG EWDARD!" said JAckobub, "It's raining out and I'm worried I'll melt!"

"You wont melt unless you're a witch—your not a which right?"

"I don't think so. I think I'm actually a Republican or something"

"K then good your safe."

"Okay cool" and they kept searching


	9. Chapter 9

AUTHOR'S NOTE: THIS IS (ONCE AGAIN) SOREN GLADFELDT SPEAKING: I DO APOLOGIZE FOR THE CHAPTER WHICH MY SISTER DID DO ON HER OWN. I WAS UNAVAILIABLE AT THE TIME TO WRITE, DUE TO AN UNPLEASANT ROW WITH OUR NEIGHBORS. WHAT SHE WROTE IS NOT MY VISION FOR "6211 SHADES OF TURQUOIS" AND I WILL DO ALL IN MY OWN POWER TO AVOID FUTURE DEVIATIONS.

After searching the woods for fourteen days and sixteen knights, Ewdard and Jackobub did stop to take a rest.

"I am most tired after searching for so very long. I think I shall take rest upon this log," the two said in unison as they did sit down upon that log that did lie upon the ground in the woods, in a small place in which the trees were not quite as thick and the sunshine did poke through the trees, gently touching their foreheads as though tiny fairies were giving their souls mystical massages as reward for their hard work in searching for their most beloved Beulah Swian, who Charlisle did send running off with his most harshest of words.

The trees did have upon them the most lovely of bark, which proved most old and deciduous upon their tired and cold tongues who did thirst for food and hunger for water wherever it could be found in that great and glorious chasm that was the woods in which they did carry out their search painlessly as though granted by the gods themselves an endless supply of oxygen by John F Kennedy who, though forbidden by Zoroaster, did send unto Ewdard and Jackobub the keys to existence and reality itself, in the vein hope that they could perhaps unravel the mystery and cease this pain which we all do feel so very hard in our nervous breakdown systems and in our hearts though it does pound its way through our faces and our feces as though and for which rain does maketh the melody continue on without hope of rest in this most desolate of places that we do call the answer and meaning of all things themselves while the Indians of Indiana vaporize one another during fuseball matches instigated by instagrams by Indra the Great and Nero-the-Zero.

But so from then on, without hope of finding their most dearest of loves, they did finally give up upon that which could not be given up upon by the most sacred and holy words themselves, holy so much that if you read them then you shall be most blest—unless ye are evil, in which case the holiness will burn your body to bits. It would even burn your soul, except being evil, you obviously do lack a soul, so thus there is not a single thing within that could be burnt which is why the words most holy must resort to burning your body like a branch beneath a leaf beneath the temples where our ancestors committed incest thus becoming our incestors.

Violence was inflicted with just the right inflection while inflation rendered all our money worthless.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: hey it's Emma again. I'm back helping Soren right the story so it won't suck anymore lol

Eventually, Ewdard and Jackobub were forced to give up and go home. But when they stopped at the 7-11 for a snack, they found Beulah Swain!

"Beulah Swain!" the two exclaimed in unison, "Thou art alive! What art thou doing here at ye olde 7-11?"

"I hangeth out here all along," said she. "I never raneth into the woods as I do not know my way about them."

"Why ever did we think that you had?" Ewdard and Jackobub aloud in unison together. "That was truly most foolish of us."

They then walked home and went to bed. But then the very next morning, they found Beulah Swain stooping over the commode, hacking and heaving.

"Beulah Swain," asked Ewdard, "why are you hacking and heaving over the commode?"

"It turns out that while we were engaging in sexual intercourse," said Beulah Swain, "I became pregnant and am now expecting a child!"

"What!?" asked Jackobub, just entering the scene, holding a bowl of Lucky Charms.

"Beulah Swain is pregnant!" said Ewdard, filling in Jackobub on what he missed while he was getting his cereal.

"But how?" asked Jackobub. "How did she become with child?"

"When we were engaging in sexual intercourse at some point," said Ewdard, "she conceived a child!"

"I did not know that is how children were conceived," said Jackobub.

"What is going on now?" asked Charlisle.

"Beulah Swain is pregnant!" exclaimed Ewdard and Jackobub in unison.

"What? You mean you idiots didn't use protection!?" Charlisle said.

"Protection?" asked Jackobub.

"A condom? A pill? Something to make sure that you DON'T wind up making the girl pregnant!" said Charlisle.

"We know not these concepts of which you speak," said Ewdard, Jackobub, and Beulah Swain in unison.

"Well what are you going to do now?" asked Charlisle.

"We will figure out a way to get by with the pregnancy," said Ewdard, Jackobub, and Beulah Swain, once again in unison.

"Oh dear God…" said Charlisle, rubbing his forehead.

"Whatever is the matter?" asked Esme, entering the scene.

"Beulah Swain is pregnant," said Charlisle.

"Oh, that is nice," said Esme calmly.

"Don't you understand the implications that this entails?!" exclaimed Charlisle. "Ewdard, Jackobub, and Beulah Swain cannot even cook a hot pocket. How can they care for a child?"

"Oh, Charlisle," said Esme, "you need to lighten up. So they go her pregnant when they were having sex. What's the big deal?"

"You know what?" asked Charlisle finally, "I give up. I'm sure that you will all find a way to work things out fine. In the meantime, I am going to go watch TV and root for the Steelers."

"Mother," asked Ewdard, Jackobub, and Beulah Swain in unison, "why is Charlisle such a stickler?"

"Some people are just like that, I guess," shrugged Esme.

"So, Beulah Swain," said Ewdard and Jackobub in unison, "would you care to engage in some sexual intercourse?"

"I would love to, Ewdard and Jackobub!" said Beulah Swain happily.

"Have fun, you three!" said Esme, happily leaving them to engage in their sexual intercourse.

**To be continued…**


End file.
